A big swing on her back porch // 08.11.02
So... I had to drive down to friggin' Romeoville this afternoon for, gah! A family gathering! My twin cousins were being christened today and my aunt and uncle were having the requisite "eat-food-and-talk-REALLY-loud" get together at their house in a cornfield. I hate these things. I'm not a social person by any stretch. I don't really enjoy meeting new people because I invariably make an ass out of myself. And I REALLY don't like being trapped in a house with members of my extended family because they ask me the same questions, for which I have no interesting and/or engaging answers to provide. So, they're left with a kind of "Oh..." feeling in the end, which is nice. I'd been dreading this party thing since I found out about it. Since my aunt and uncle live so far south, my cousins (er... second cousin) always seem to show up. The one I dread is my cousin Andrea. She's a year younger than I am. Her parents have more money than God because they own a currency exchange and are total workaholics. So she's a spoiled little rich girl. But everyone loves her because she's so outgoing and bubbly and cute and talkative. Then there's me. I come in, take one look at the massive amount of people in front of me and head straight for a dark corner where I think no one will find me. I, unlike Andrea, am not an attention whore. She came to our Christmas... er, thing one year in full on pajamas, fuzzy slippers, box o' Kleenex, frazzled hair because she had... a really bad cold. Everyone spent the evening feeling SO bad for her and pampering her. I hate that. Anyway... I'd been dreading this party because I just KNEW Andrea would be there. Not just because I can't stand her, but because I've come to a horrifying conclusion: I'm at the age when my family (grandparents, aunts, uncles and beyond) will start asking me about the "special man" in my life and "When are you gonna settle down?" See... Andrea's engaged to what my sister calls "Chester Molester". I met this guy once about 3 years ago at a wedding. He was hitting on anything in a skirt, and he was totally wasted the whole night (now math would tell us that if I'm currently 23, this was 3 years ago and Andrea & "Chester" are a year younger than me, booze hound was a whopping 19. Now I'm not saying I didn't get wasted at 19, but I sure as FUCK didn't do it in front of my family, let alone someone ELSE'S family). Anyway... my gramma thinks "Chester" is just the most attractive boy, and... he's just such an attractive boy. And he and skinny little Andrea look so good together. So, I get there and of course Andrea is there. My sister and I kind of burrowed into a corner out of the way so people wouldn't trip over us. On our way to the cave, I looked outside on the deck and I see someone who's kinda familiar looking but not so much. She gets up and comes into the house. And holy Jesus, it's Andrea... and she's a little... well, zoftig I supposed. Honey packed a little too much junk in her trunk, if ya catch me. She'd always been somewhere between a little and a LOT smaller than me. But not so much anymore. Is it wrong that that was the highlight of my day. Not the reunion with the family I haven't seen since Christmas. Not the warm feelings of togetherness one experiences when in the company of kin. No... my cousin's gi-nomous ass was the highlight. On the way home, my grandparents, who usually sing Andrea's praises, couldn't stop talking about how awful she looked. After a while, I kinda felt bad about how they were talking about her. I mean, she's bigger than me, but not THAT much bigger. My gramma actually said she looked ugly. I'm sure that more than once I've been the topic of such a conversation. The difference is that I don't put much stock in those people so I wouldn't really care. But it IS nicer to have people tell you how much weight you've lost and how good you look, as opposed to how big your ass has gotten.
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